It’s The Little Things That Kill

I bleach the sky
Every night
Loaded on wrong
And further from right
Spinning around
Two howling moons
‘Cause they’re always there
Whatever I do

The river is loaded
I’ve been there today
Took it some questions
She does me again
I’d die in your arms
If you were dead too
Here comes a lie
We will always be true

Going up
When coming down
Scratch away

These are little things that kill
Tearing at my brains again
All the little things that kill
The little things that kill

Bigger you give
Bigger you get
We’re boss at denial
But best at forget
The cupboard is empty
We really need food
Summer is winter
And you always knew

Going up when coming down
Scratch away

These are little things that kill
Tearing at my brains again
All the little things that kill
Tearing at my brains again
All the little little, little, little, little, little, little, little

Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little
Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little

I touch your mouth
My will is food
Addicted to love
I’m addicted to bullshit
I kill you once
I kill you again
We’re somber and crude
Welcome my friends to
The little things that kill
Tearing at my brains again
Oh, all the little things that kill
Tearing at my brains again
Oh, all the little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little

Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little
Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little

Here come the little things
Here come the little

Bush – Little Things

Introspective assessment. That’s what I have been doing for the last week or so, and I have come to some hard conclusions…

I think we all are born with a suitcase of sorts, a place where we store all the bad things that happen to us starting at a very young age. Over time the suitcase becomes heavier and heavier, and we struggle to carry this burden while maintaining the facade of a normal life. In most cases we release some of the baggage as we come to grips with it’s consequence, but other items we can’t seem to let go of. I think there comes a point where one must dump the suitcase on the floor and look at every piece that is weighing us down and make some peace with it. I have reached that point in my life.

I will never be able to afford a descent sailboat that would take me to a place of rest that I see in my minds eye, if that place even exists. I have no retirement savings to fall back on, and all I will have in just a few short years is Social Security. I have no significant assets but I also have no debt. I have skills that are in demand, yet I find myself longing for a simpler job without all the stress. I know what a financial advisor would say, what my few friends would say, what society as a whole would say. For too long have I listened to others for wisdom and sage advise, for too long have I ignored my true self and what would make me happy.

The little things that kill have torn at me for so long I’m still not sure what is the correct path I should follow, yet when I think about the future I’m not afraid. The thought of having no permanent home, no savings to fall back on, these things hold no sway over me. I have always been able to support myself in one way or another without relying on handouts, and I am confident I can continue to do so for the foreseeable future. With that in mind I think I know the start of a path to follow, and I will take a deep breath and make the change.

Next year in May I will quit my job, and I already told them. My Jeep will be set up at that point for reasonably comfortable living on the road and I will leave Bangor Maine in search of something that has eluded me for so long…happiness. This past camping trip refreshed my memory, brought forth a feeling I have not had for many years. I was at ease.

By the forth day of my vacation I felt a comfort unknown to me for so long that I was shocked. By the fifth day I didn’t want to leave. The drive out of the woods was almost painful in a way, my heart ached as if I was leaving a lover behind never to return. That first day back at work was one of the hardest of my life.

What pained me so much was walking away from all the photo’s waiting to be captured, the memories left behind in the dust plume behind my car. I realize now that my one true love, the profession I long to form my life around, is photography. When I look at the few photo’s from my camping trip I am transported back there.

If I close my eyes I can feel the heat from the campfire, smell the food cooking on the grill. The breeze coming off the pond with the faint smell of wet leaves, the sound as the pine boughs rustle in the wind. These are the little things that bring me joy, this is the life I wish to live.

“What are you willing to give up to get what you want?” Those are my words, and I am willing to give up all that most feel are necessities. Many of you have encouraged me with praise for my photo’s, expressed a heartfelt appreciation for the words I sometimes struggle to put forth, and I thank you one and all for your support. We may never have actually met, but I feel a kinship with you I have never felt before. You are indeed my true friends.

With that in mind I am here to say that I am going back to where I started, back to the original blog that allowed me to put down in words all that was troubling me. Back to the persona that embodies my true self, even though I did not come up with the name. Those of you that have stuck with me since the beginning will remember where I started, and those of you who followed me just to get me to follow you, I guess you will be left by the wayside. No regrets.

This will be the last post on this blog. My new website will be up shortly, so check back over the next week to see if it’s operational. It’s much better than my last attempt, but still has a few things to be sorted out. My blog will be posted there, but comments are not set up yet. Please be patient as I work through the glitches, as those who are my friends will be, and I will be forever in your debt. If youe not sure where I started, just remember…I am, and will always be, The Weird Guy With The Dog!

6 thoughts on “It’s The Little Things That Kill

  1. I look forward to seeing your journey back John. You are the one who knows best what is right for you, and how best to achieve it. I wish you all the luck, and success, in the world.
    Is the last camping trip for Vinny still going ahead?

    Liked by 1 person

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