As Time Passes On

I took my mother for a drive a couple days ago to visit her parents grave. They are buried in the North Raymond Cemetery on North Raymond Rd in Raymond Maine. After that we drove by the house they lived in for 21 years in Poland Maine. My mother often spoke about how this was her favorite place she had ever lived.

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I lived in the trailer next door right before we moved to Sebec Maine.

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My folks were living on the edge of their income even with me paying rent for the trailer. This trailer was very old and the cost to maintain it was higher than I could afford at the time so I convinced them to sell and move to an area that was cheaper to live. I regret this decision.

I thought I was doing the right thing for my folks. I thought getting them into a new home with all new amenities at a much lower price per month was the best thing I could do. They went from over $1000.00 per month to just over $500.00 per month an I felt justified in talking them into the move. What I failed to see was just how much they loved where they were living. For that I am very sorry indeed. I’m sorry mom, I was trying to do the right thing.

My father was in the beginning stages of dementia, though we didn’t know it at the time. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t place what I was feeling. At this point in my life I was still deep in the control of drug use so my mind was clouded, my perceptions not clear. It was still several months away from my complete removal from this way of life. I only wish I had stopped sooner. Such is hindsight….20/20.

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I found new purpose in Sebec. Within 2 months of moving I stopped all drug use and never looked back. Many a night was spent “Holed up” in my motor home wrestling with the needs of withdrawal, searching for a path that leads to a better life. Many mistakes were made while trying to come to grips with all that had transpired, all I had never dealt with.

The biggest mistake I made was I ignoring my fathers attempts to reach out to me during his hour of need as he was going through a bought of prostate cancer. I let my own needs outweigh what my true priorities should have been. I will never forgive myself for my weakness. Blinded was I from years of running away from pain and misunderstanding. Foolish was I to ignore what was really important.

IMG_9478 (Large)In four days it will be one year since I buried my father. I will never forget how it felt to stand there alone, how much it hurt. I remember looking at him as he slowly died in hospice, how I wished I had one more chance to tell him how I really felt. I waited to long, I let my petty anger interfere with what I should have done. The only thing I can do now is try to live the rest of my life in a way he would be proud of. I must live up to the standereds he set forth in who he really was. My father was “Old School” in his ways, honest and forthright. Not a bad example to follow.

My goal of giving back is alive and well. I still hope to give Veterans and their children a free vacation on my boat so they have a chance to connect better than my father and I did. I still want to feel I have done something in this world to make it better for someone. I can think of no one better to help, no one more deserving that those who gave freely in service to this country. I will see my goals through come hell or high water. I will not stop until I have made a difference in at least one child’s life. I do this for you dad. I miss you.

4 thoughts on “As Time Passes On

  1. JDR, this blog and your posts are a way to get things off your chest and wrestle with demons. I see that and feel that,,,,but you’re pretty hard on yourself. NO ONE is perfect and in fact those folks who look like they have the great ideal lives and have lots of STUFF, often are the worst ones. Hang in there, you’re doing good,,,and I bet your Dad knows it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It was good to see you again, my friend. I always enjoy when by chance our paths cross, and we actually have time for a visit and chat. I feel a kindred spirit with you, and the trails we have both had to travel.
    Stay strong, stand tall,
    and Laugh at what the world and life throws at you,
    #Santa Fe Strong


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