Dream On, Dream On

 As your bony fingers close around me
Long and spindly
Death becomes me
Heaven can you see what I see

Hey you pale and sickly child
You’re death and living reconciled
Been walking home a crooked mile

Paying debt to karma
You party for a living
What you take won’t kill you
But careful what you’re giving

There’s no time for hesitating
Pain is ready, pain is waiting
Primed to do it’s educating

Unwanted, uninvited kin
It creeps beneath your crawling skin
It lives without it lives within you

Feel the fever coming
You’re shaking and twitching
You can scratch all over
But that won’t stop you itching

[Chorus]

Blame it on your karmic curse
Oh shame upon the universe
It knows its lines
It’s well rehearsed

It sucked you in, it dragged you down
To where there is no hallowed ground
Where holiness is never found

Paying debt to karma
You party for a living
What you take won’t kill you
But careful what you’re giving

Dream On – Depeche Mode

Addiction never goes away, it just settles into the background. Forever it waits to reach out and grab hold of you at your weakest moments, trying to drag you back down to the depths of it’s dark hold. Tantalizing in it’s approach, you see it like a beautiful woman as you stare and long for the release. I’ve been over 15 years clean but the temptation is still there, the draw of an altered state of mind free from the daily sorrow or pains that engulf us all is potent indeed. Once you have lived then left that lifestyle, forever will its bony fingers wrap around you.

My willpower is strong and I will never go back, yet I can’t shake it’s persistent flash in my psyche. I have learned to change my focus and pursue my dream of a simple life away from the sickly child of my past, my new living reconciled with the death of a past life. Each day I’m clean is another day closer to paying my debts, putting my energy into something that will make a difference.

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I wrote once on my old blog about giving free vacations to veterans with PTSD and their children that are having trouble connecting like my father and I struggled with, and that is still my intent. It may take a couple years before I am ready but I feel very strongly about this pursuit as a way to give back to those who gave so much to our way of life as well as a sort of penance for my transgressions of the past. The first time I see a father or mother truly embrace their child on an outing will be the greatest day of my life. It will be like hugging my dad, something I never did enough of.

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It’s been almost a year since my father died and I can still feel the cold as I put my hand on his face. How I long to have had the courage and time to make amends for all the times I let him down, but that time is gone. All I can do now is try to provide a safe place for another father and son to connect, even if only once. I have made it my goal to complete this quest by spending a year or so ironing out the gremlins in the boat and my mind once on the water, then starting up the nonprofit if I can to provide a service I hope will lead to better lives for others that need a gentle nudge towards a better relationship.

Will I be paying debt to karma? Will I be atoning for my sins? Maybe, but mostly I hope to be a positive influence instead of the negative person I grew up as. Until the time has come to welcome my first visitor, I will continue to dream on, dream on….

 

 

11 thoughts on “Dream On, Dream On

  1. How often do we end up on the wrong path when we let something /someone choose it for us? The best path is based on what’s necessary, not what FEELS good now. I never got 2 full calendar years of sobriety out of my Father. Anything you do to help FATHERS be DADS will pay big benefits to all.

    Liked by 1 person

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