I Walk Alone

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s only me, and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one, and I walk alone

I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone and I walk a

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah ah

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up and every thing’s all right
Check my vital signs to know I’m still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone, I walk alone
I walk alone and I walk a

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah ah

I walk alone, I walk a

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one, and I walk alone

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Till then I walk alone

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams – Green Day

Today was a long day. For most of the morning, starting at 3 am, I lost myself in music as I often do. Soothing and comfortable the notes and lyrics carry me to a place of well being and quiet, an escape of sorts without the need for conversation or the presence of another person. As the afternoon came upon me this song came up in the queue and I was reminded of the truth of the matter.

I have been alone much of my life. As a young man I found it incredibly difficult to make lasting friendships, I think mostly because I had no idea who I was deep down inside. I lived a life outside myself, ever tying to become the right person for everyone. I tried adapting to each circumstance to appeal to all while neglecting the person inside to the point that I was lost in the game. On several occasions I let myself be used in a most tragic way that left a scar on me that will never completely heal. Forgiveness has come but the truth remains.

I’m not fooling myself into thinking all of this is completely the fault of others, I bare some responsibility for what transpired throughout my life as well. None of the bad things I lived through or witnessed were ultimately forced on me, I allowed them to happen by being in places I knew were dangerous, and by not walking away when my instincts told me too. No one is immune to a weak minded repeal of ones senses, allowing others to lead you down a path that leads to pain. Sadly it took 15 years away from my past lifestyle to clear my head enough to realize my weakness.

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Fortunately for me I have my shadow named Vinny, my trusty dog who has seen all I have inside, been there at my darkest moments. The bond between a man and his dog is something much bigger than just a pet, more than just an animal. We understand each other, instinctively know when something is wrong. He is by my side every day with a wag of his stumpy tail, a bark to get my attention. A paw scratching at my leg to get me to pick him up, standing on my chest in the morning to get me to wake up and take him out. Some people may think it sad I consider him the best friend I have ever had, but I am thankful for it.

Like all things in my life, I will have to say goodbye to my friend soon. He is struggling this winter in the cold, his rear legs weak and shaky. His vision is very bad and his hearing is poor, he can’t jump up even onto a low stool anymore. I’m reminded of my father in his last few years of life, so weak and feeble and almost unbearable to watch. Soon I will walk the streets alone again.

Will I get another dog? Most certainly I will, and she will become my new best friend. But with each passing of family or friends my heart grow weaker, another scar appears that will never heal. Some people seem to take it all in stride, let go the pain of loss. I am not one of those people. The cumulative effect will take it’s toll on me, I will carry this burden with me just as I carry the flag from my fathers funeral.

I will carry on and seek out a place of tranquility on the sea, each moment at anchor in a quiet cove with nothing but the smell of salty air, the sway of the tide coming in and a nuzzle from my best friend bringing forth at least some peace to my troubled soul. I will never give up searching for true friends, but on solitary days like today my heart still aches.

 

22 thoughts on “I Walk Alone

  1. It’s amazing how a so called dumb animal can communicate, console, love, and be a trusted best friend and confidante. I notice you have already decided on a lady next time. When the time comes may Vinny have a pain free passing, and may your new lady give you as much joy as Vinny does now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have tears. Tell Vinnie to hang on just a little while longer – you know why. If he can’t well then tell him I loved him from afar and that Lady Bean will find him when she crossed that rainbow bridge. It was those two that brought you and I together, I recall. You will never be alone. You are a loner of sorts, as am I, but I promise you you will never be alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We all have those days I’m sure. With age comes the wisdom to understand where the feelings come from and the strength to get through them.

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  3. God Bless YOU John David Ray!!! You are a remarkable man with a heart of gold. Your writings pull me in to want to read more. Have you thought about writing a book of your journeys? I Pray Vinneys last days will be his best yet. You have taken such great care of him. I know that oooch is your life, and there is nothing worse than watching them leave us behind. I pray Your will continue to find peace and comfort in your fond memories. God Bless You John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Sharon, I’m flattered. I think my book will be this blog over the next few years with all the ups and downs captured in photos and videos. A piece of Vinny will always be with me, he will never be forgotten.

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  4. Oh your words. May you find peace with the inevitable. It tears my heart to think of Huny getting older (12 this year) and I know I have a little more time, but I KNOW what’s coming. Unlike you, there will be no new dog. I just can’t take another scar, another tear. My admiration is boundless for your courage to take the next step, to seek and find your peace. That song is very apt. And don’t feel alone in your empty street. There are others who walk it too…we’re all invisible to each other (for some reason), but there’s a mighty army of us trodding down that same empty street, alone. Take care friend. And to Vinny? Love and care always.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t think Vinny will make the boat, but he has had a good life I hope. As far as me, I do enjoy writing and photography and I will be posting soon about the gear I have now accumulated.

      Liked by 1 person

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